The experiences intensified and so did his mental suffering. Age witnessed the painful question in his heart being repeated over and over again until it left a scar. "Who is singing? Who is singing to me?" Kashinath cried.
The question tore at his mind, increasing his restlessness. "You hear the question, then why not try to find the answer? Why don't you try?"
But the youth was so bewildered, he did not know what was happening to him. "How can I find the answer? Where should I go? Who can help me?"
Finally, Kashinath could tolerate no more, and on the pretext of going out to study, he abandoned his wife and home. Wandering, the confused youth searched for the answer wherever he went.
Infinite God is beyond man's grasp. God had grasped the young man's heart, but Kashinath's mind could not grasp Him!
Kashinath wandered to Poona, but he became dissatisfied there and he continued walking to Kalyan (a town near Bombay). It was while he was on his way back to Satana from Kalyan that he became overcome with despair. It was then that he entered a small cave on a rocky precipice near the ruins of Bhorgad Fort, ten miles beyond Nasik. Death seemed the only solution. Young Kashinath was intent on killing himself either by fasting to death or by throwing himself off the precipice. His turmoil was profound; he was truly desperate for God.
Although Kashinath remained inside the cave for nine months without food or water, he did not die. When he drank from the rain puddles and survived, he was so emaciated that he was too weak even to walk down the mountain. He crawled out of the cave and cried, "O God, You are the Singer, but where are You? You wanted me to find You, but I have no strength left to come to You."
At the base of the Bhorgad Hill was a small village called Gavalwadi. When the local villagers saw Kashinath crawling down the rocky slope, they were moved by his debilitated condition, rescued him and nursed him back to health. After a month Kashinath returned to his home in Satana. It was 22 July 1890, and as mentioned, Kashinath was only 20 years old.1
Within a year after his return to Satana, Kashinath's father, then his grandfather and then his second wife all passed away.
Footnotes
- 1.Meher Baba once commented that it was miraculous that Upasni Maharaj lived without food and water for almost a year in the Bhorgad Cave, years before he was God-realized.