I expect to be wholly changed, my mental, physical and spiritual aspects transmuted utterly. I think I will not want to come back until you send me. The glamour of this existence is gone — I've seen everything, known celebrities, had money, experienced mild fame (but enough to know what it's like), laughed and have been drunken, known love, faced tragedy, glanced at the heights and walked through the gutters of life. What more is there to maya than these?
When I come to you I intend to burn all my bridges.
Malcolm, Jean and Ruano faced the dilemma of insufficient funds to make the voyage to India, but with Garrett's financial help, they too were able to come.
In the interim, doubts about Baba's intention had troubled some of the group in England. After Baba left Europe, Kitty wrote to him on behalf of the English group, expressing their concern that he would send them back after a short stay with him in India, as he had done previously, even though he had indicated they would be staying for more than a year. Baba sent back the following reply:
26 November 1936
Darling Saroja,
... I feel so disappointed that, with all their love for me, Kimco would not understand in spite of explanations of some important things so clearly given ... I was so happy you all eventually agreed to come, but the peculiar attitude of Kimco — always so typical of taking all things, however serious, so lightly, even when I want you to take things seriously and understand — at times causes me great pain ...
Your heart is so wonderful, always feeling so deeply and truly, and responsive to the call and understanding, but that peculiar mind of yours at times wobbles and tries to shake your faith, while your love revives it all again and afresh. One moment you feel quite prepared to do and withstand anything, the next moment you hesitate with if's and but's, and feel depressed and worried unnecessarily.
But I will see that this eternal struggle between the head and the heart, for you as well as for all others who suffer from the same weakness, ends eventually in the victory of the heart over the head, and brings about a blending of the two. In fact, I am working at it, suffering myself almost all the while by being misunderstood every moment, and in every act of compassion in raising the consciousness and understanding of humanity to a higher level, even by my own who have known me and have been in my closer contact! Just a little individual effort to understand and do as I say would save so much trouble and pains for me and for all.